A Reflection of Hate

I was unsure what I wanted to blog about, but I started with Abandonment. I began to write the blog and then I ran across two pictures, that immediately shifted my focus. I’m sure you see the two photos of me. I was 9y/o in the green and I assume around the same age in the red and black. I vividly remember those two days too. Now that I think about it, I had the same shoes on in both pictures, so I had to be the same age. Oh, I was wearing the famous L.A. Gears. :)

I guess I was in the 3rd grade, since my Birthday is in November. Take a minute and think about what 3rd grade is all about. It was about dressing up, sleepovers, eating candy, field trips, popcorn, and the anticipation of summer. I guess for me, it was that and so much more. Would you believe me if I told you I HATED myself in these photos? I bet you are thinking self hate at such a young age, what happened.

I was removed from my biological mothers care at 6 months old. I moved around in a couple houses, until 18 months old. I was placed with my mom (actually my cousin), who raised me. She provided me with everything I needed and wanted, but it still wasn’t enough for me. I wanted my mommy. This was the beginning of self hate.

Hating myself was apart of my life, it wasn’t taught to me, but so much turmoil in my life made me feel that for myself. I never did anything to harm myself physically, but mentally and emotionally I did. I never felt good enough, I hated myself, my nose, my size, my smile, my hair, my legs, and my capabilities. I mean, I literally hated my life. I even hated wearing shorts for a long time to. I was obsessed with perfection. I tried everything to be perfect.

I developed OCD too. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized I had it growing up. I counted EVERYTHING!! If I ate cookies or candies, it had to be an even number. I counted the squares in tile floors, cracks in sidewalks, I washed my hands a lot as well. I was extremely finicky. Well, I’m still finicky about something’s, but that was my life.

I was bullied growing up as well. I bet some of you are reading like, “I know she didn’t let anybody bully her” lol... it happened. I wasn’t always so outspoken. But, all those things played an intrical part in my feelings. Self hate happens to more people than you probably think and it’s not easy to over come, but it is surely possible. I’m a living witness you can overcome self hate. It’s a timely process, but worth it.

I have learned to embrace my flaws and everything about me. I had a an aunt and uncle who talked about my broad shoulders and big arms every time they saw me, it help make me more insecure, but I have over come. I love my broad shoulders, big arms, fat belly, small butt, nappy hair, big nose, and beautiful smile. Those physical traits make me who I am. All the things I endured prepared me to be mentally and emotionally strong.

We never know what anyone has or is going through, so we must learn to be kind. We must learn to embrace our differences and enjoy being made different. Let’s celebrate our flaws and traumas. We can only get better and be better if we are honest with who we used to be and who we are. Pain is inevitable and Suffering is optional. Choose to live, choose to love, and choose to embrace your flaws. You don’t have to live this life hating yourself and making “bad” decisions based off your view of yourself.

I smile because I can, I smile because it’s bright, I smile because it makes me feel alright. I smile because it use to be a frown, I smile because I have overcome, I smile because I wear my own crown. I smile because the darker the night, the brighter the day. I smile because it’s someone else’s ray of sunshine, I smile because my life is no longer upside down. I smile because it’s my strength.

Why do you smile? Embrace you, love you, and be you. Smile harder, laugh longer, and be good to those around you. Be good to yourself and love yourself. You are never a lone. Find someone to talk with.... I’m always open to talk it up, just hit me up. We all have a past, I’m embracing mine, are you? Let’s do it. Self Hate is just a season, wait for the weather to change and change what you see, feel, and do. Be set free!! Start here! God is Love and if nobody has told you in a long time, today, or ever, I’ll tell you. I love you and you are beautiful just the way you are. #Like #Subscribe #Share